i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
