By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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