god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
