1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
