11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
