why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
