I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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