Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
