I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
