i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
