That's when you crack a 10am beer
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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