what day is it and did you see me today?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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