1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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