So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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