matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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