That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
