I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
