Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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