I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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