This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
