You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
