he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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