my being single is dangerous.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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