remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
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I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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