Screwed.edu
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
