somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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