I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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