dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
