Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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