He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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