who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
