Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
