I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize