Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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