I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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