i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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