Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
