I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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