I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
