you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
