I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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