My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
