Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
