well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
