Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
