I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
