I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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