We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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