I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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