As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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