i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
