i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
