Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she peed on how many people?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Randomize
