I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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