He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
