I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.