Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.