if you like me you must not know who I am
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
