end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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