I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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