I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
