Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
