yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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