So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
